All morning I conduct interviews. They fall into place one by one ...such an arduous process. Though the worst is yet to come. This afternoon I have to choose my personal secretary!

I'm not really hungry, so I skip lunch. I probably won't be able to keep down anything that I eat anyway. I am not looking forward to the interview process. I call home, desperately hoping someone will answer ...but no one does!

The first interview for my personal secretary does not begin well. She reminds me of my third grade teacher. At any minute I expect her to slap my hand with a ruler. There happens to be one on my desk. I feel foolish, but with a clumsy slight-of-hand, I try to slide it into my top desk drawer unnoticed.

Next I imagine her riding a bicycle and staring me down, as if to say,"And your little dog too!"

For a moment there, I almost convince myself it is my third grade teacher ...she appears old enough! But possibly, the poor lady was forced out of retirement because she had to make ends meet during this very difficult economy. Not everyone has prospered as I have during these bad economic times. I begin to feel sorry for her, and almost feel inclined to hire her, but I can't ...there's no designated area for her to park her bicycle, or her broom, as the case may be!

The next lady is a bit younger, perhaps middle-aged. She brings much enthusiasm to the interview, trying to convince me, it seems, that the company absolutely would be unable to function without her superb talents and wealth of knowledge. And she goes on and on ...trying to convince me.

She is very convincing ...but she can convince someone else; I feel as if I can barely make it through the interview. It would be a nightmare to imagine going through this every day.

This is only my second interview; and I need a break. I tell her I'll notify her if she is chosen for the job. She looks at me with a stunned look ...as if it would even be in question!

As soon as she leaves, I call home again, but still no answer.

At this point, I want to be done with this, and just get back to my motel room ...by myself, and away from everyone! The interviews can't get any worse than the first two. At this point, I'm so desperate to get out-of-here, I've decided I'll hire the next person that comes through the door. If it doesn't work out, I can always replace her next week.

There's a knock at the door. Okay, I'm ready, but I have to make sure I don't seem too anxious. I should at least let her feel I'm choosing her for the job, through some merit of her own. There's another knock at the door. I sigh deeply, "Come in!"

To my surprise, it is a male!

I introduce myself, then find myself explaining that I don't really feel well, and need to call it a day. Before he can respond, I tell him that he can have the job.

The young gentleman smiles, "I do appreciate your kind offer. I'm sure you'd pay me much more than I'm making now, but I have to be honest with you ...I'm the custodian of this building, and I just came to empty your trash."

I am quite embarrassed, but I try to regroup, "I really do appreciate your honesty and candor. Now, as I've already mentioned, I'm feeling quite ill ...and I'm looking forward to getting out of here, so I'll tell you what ...I'll give you fifty dollars if you interview the next person for me. Just tell the next person that you're doing the hiring for me. It's not uncommon. So, how about it? Will you do it?"

"For fifty dollars, that's very generous; I guess I could help you out with that!"

"Thank you so much! You seem to be a rather sensible person. If the person seems okay to you, tell them the job is theirs."

I go to my motel, and don't even bother to change. I call home again. No answer. I fall asleep stretched across the bed, fully dressed.

I wake up with the sunrise.

I had failed to close the curtains; and the sun is quickly making its debute.

I unpack the rest of my suitcases. I choose what I will wear today, then shower before dressing.

I call home again, but no answer. I had left a message each time for my wife, Doreen, and our precious Amanda, telling each of them how much I love them. I can't understand why they haven't called back. It would be just as easy for them to leave a message.

As I arrive at the office, there is a message on my desk reading: Thank you for the fifty dollars. I hired a secretary for you, as you had requested. She is 23 years old, and her name is April. She appeared pleasant enough ...and very competent. I'm sure you will be satisfied with her. Signed, Your Friendly Custodian.

As April enters the room, she has this certain air about her ...as refreshing as springtime itself. And she sports more than just a comforting smile, she smiles with her eyes too. She has coffee ready for me. And not knowing whether I drink coffee, she also has tea prepared, as well as having stocked the refrigerator with various fruit juices.

At noon, I see my friend, the custodian. I ask, "Is April a friend of yours?"

He reads me wrong, "We only met yesterday. Is she not working out?"

I guess I've been misunderstood too, "No ...I mean, yes, she's working out fine. You made a very good choice. It's just that, I mean, sometimes people help out friends, and that's okay; I think helping out your friends is wonderful. It's actually an honorable thing."

He smiles, "Seriously, we only met yesterday, so if you're asking if we're romantically linked, no we're not. Actually, it would be exciting to have a romance with someone from my place of employment, but no, I'm not interested in her. She's all yours! I'm gay, so no competition there! I actually have a crush on the groundskeeper. I'm just waiting for the moment to be right."

As I retire to my motel room that evening, I think about it. I should have said something to him. It's not okay to have a romance with a co-worker, not when ...when what?

Yes, I should have said something to him, but for some reason I didn't.

As the next couple of weeks progress, I feel that perhaps subconsciously I understand the reason why I haven't said anything more. As I faced more and more unreturned phone messages, I have to admit I was being sucked headlong into this tremendous void.

But when I did receive a message finally, it didn't make matters any better. A message from my wife explained that she and Amanda had just returned from visiting her mom for a couple weeks, which had accounted for why she had not returned my messages, though she had not acknowledged my messages at all. And her message to me had no mention of how she missed me as much as I missed her ...it was merely to inform me that while shopping, she had lost my credit card, and that I should probably call the credit card company to inform them.

I suddenly see my life as becoming less and less significant ...and me, becoming more and more despondent, as I realize my only worth seems to be my contribution to the business world.

I am finding it harder and harder to deny that the highlight of my day is having April around. Each morning, as I go to the office, I look forward to her affirming smile. She flutters about eagerly, seemingly very content with doing her job ...and just aiming to please me. How can anyone find that not attractive?

That's not the only thing I feel though.

I am also feeling an ever increasing inclination to talk again with my custodial friend. But I know I can't until I put my feelings toward April in proper perspective. She appears to be a sweet enough girl; and I can't fault her for brightening up my days. These middle years of marriage have been rough. Then came along sweet little Amanda. She brought back those moments of special wonder, for a time. But now that she's just a little bit older, it seems like things just changed overnight ...and I don't get to spend much time with either her or my wife. And it seems like just overnight this other change has been coming over me too.

And as chance would have it, when I feel I'm in real need of talking with someone, anyone ---that's when I run into the ...groundskeeper.

Several days later, I hear April talking to my custodial friend. I feel embarrassed that I'd never asked him what his name is. But, right now I make sure I'm not seen. I hear April call him Frank. The name seems to fit, as he is also being rather frank with April.

April is overheard telling Frank, "I became pregnant at the age of seventeen, but my boyfriend had said he couldn't take on that kind of responsibility. We were both in High School at the time; and his parents had high hopes for him to go to college. So, I lied to my parents and told them I'd been raped. They immediately insisted that I have an abortion!"

Frank sounds surprised, "And your parents thought that was a good enough reason to have an abortion? Aren't your parents Christians?"

April appears confused, "Well, yeah, but don't most Christians feel abortion is okay in the case of rape?"

Frank hesitates, "Well, I guess so! My parents are Christians too. And my family had to deal with that very same thing! My sister was raped. My parents tried to convince her to have an abortion, but my sister got angry with them. She said that of all people, she expected her own parents to support her. She said if no one else cared about her baby, she would stand alone. But one thing for sure, she was the victim of an act of violence, to which she was not going to respond by committing another terrible act of violence, insanely upon her poor innocent ...and defenseless baby. She said that would only enable the rapist to hurt her twice ...and she was not about to let that happen!"

Frank asks, "So, what did you do next?"

April is near tears, "After the abortion, I enrolled in the same college as my boyfriend. But you're right, the abortion has caused me much grief! I do feel I've made a mistake; and that's not just because I later discovered my boyfriend was playing the field, living it up with several other girls. To be honest with you, what I really want is to have another baby."

Frank advises, "I think you should wait. You're just trying to make up for the loss of the first child."

April begins to cry, "I just want someone to stay beside me, to love me, and to provide for me. Is that too much to ask? I want a good man!" 

Franks whispers, "So do I!"

I find myself slipping back into it! I feel sorry for April. She'd made a mistake, but she wants to start over ...who doesn't! And she wants a good man to stick by her ...to provide for her. That's all good and honorable. I imagine for the briefest moment, that it would be nice if I could be the one. I know I'd be good to her!

Suddenly it all hits me! I walk right out there ...no hiding or pretending to not hear what they are talking about! I need to talk with both of them.

Frank seems happy to see me; and April becomes quickly absorbed with my presence.

I address both of them, "I'm sure you both have heard the story of Adam and Eve."

There is no hesitation with Frank, "Sure, I'm a Christian!"

April's eyes begin to sparkle, "I've heard of Adam and Eve ...but I'd love for you to tell me all about them!"

I know what I want to say to both of them, but I don't want to sound too cliche, "Well, they were surrounded by fruit ...fruit trees, I mean ...but they were denied access to one tree that appeared to have the best, most desirable fruit of all.  So, to you, Frank, I'm not going to argue with you over whether you feel you were born gay or not, or whether you feel you can't have the best, most desirable relationship of all, in your eyes. You are denied that. Why is it forbidden? It is forbidden because God says so. I'm not going to argue about how I feel about it; if you think it's best for you, then you will have to consider what God says, and that may mean giving up what you feel is best."

At this point, April may only discern that I am against gays ...which I am not; I just don't agree with their lifestyle.  But, it's April's turn next.

Yet, April only understands what's in her heart, and she feels she knows best what's in mine, "In your heart, you know that I love you, and I know you love me too.  I've seen the disappointment in your face ...and the hurt.  I would never hurt you!  I know your sense of commitment, and how you are loyal to your family ...and that attracts me to you all the more.  I see the pain in your face, and that proves your commitment.  You haven't broken that ...they have.  A vase of great value can lose its shine through time, but if someone knowingly or perhaps intentionally throws it, or throws it away ...it becomes broken, or it's gone.  It's not your fault."

I ask, "Whatever past relationships you've had ...what were they like?"

April speaks with soft eyes, "Yes, I've been hurt too, but I've learned from it, and I want a second chance."

I don't want to admit I was eavesdropping the way I was, "What became of the relationship?"

April reflects, "I became pregnant ...and that didn't fit well with his life goals.  I had an abortion."

"How did that make you feel?" I asked.

April has a tear in her eye, "I know I shouldn't have had the abortion. I should have taken full responsibility and only listened to my heart.  When they tried to tell me that it wasn't a child yet, I should have realized that was wrong.  More than anyone, I should have known better ...I could feel the baby inside me.  I should have realized my child was a blessing, not a burden. Yes, my boyfriend should have been equally responsible, but it's not a matter of half and half responsible. Each person should be 100% responsible for their part in anything. And I want to change all that; I want to start over ...life will be different next time."

I feel sorry for her, "That's because you let your emotions teach you. Others become hardened, and take up the cause to promote more of the wrong.  Right now, you are having similar emotions that are telling you that it's right to love me, and that I need that too.  But you don't understand the biggest part of love ...that once again would tell you it's wrong ...and this applies to you, too, Frank.  April, you said you feel my family has broken the commitment, and you were probably mostly meaning my wife, not me who has broken it. Well, it's often like that with abortion too. One person usually backs out of the commitment of their responsibility, but if the other continues to do what they should know is right, the other may come around and realize what they should do also. Like with my marriage ...this may be a phase, and they may eventually come around. But, the bottom line is, our marriage was not just our commitment to hold onto.  It is not just a commitment between two people or whether they want to hold onto it.  It is a commitment we make that is sanctioned by God.  God created marriage between a man and a woman."

Frank adds, "You are asking me to totally re-think my whole life?"

I kindly remind him, "That's kind of what you did when you first came to the conclusion that you felt you were gay.  This may make it easier, or it may make it more difficult for you, but I've already spoken with the groundskeeper.  He is going to get back together with his wife ...and try to get their life back together.  He asked me to mention it to you, because he didn't know quite what to say."

April cries, "I know what to say ...you are a wonderful man!"

I get a tear in my eye, how can I not.  I try to regain my composure, "April, you need to re-think it too. Don't let your emotions rule.  You have beautiful emotions ...but let God guide, as you have when re-thinking and realizing the wrong of abortion.  It is great that you are looking for a man of character ...and I appreciate the fact that you think so well of me, but you must keep your emotions in check and be patient ...saving them for the man God will reveal to you.  I am so shook up too, I don't think I can quote it correctly, but the Bible says something about the grass withering and the flower fading ...but the Word of God lasts forever."

April cries more, "How has that worked for you?  Are you happy?"

I take a deep breath, "It's not always about happiness.  It is usually about finding love ...not in a person, but often in the hurt.  I supposed my family is going through a phase, finding joy in new things and exciting freedoms, but that will fade like the flower ...and my gentle flowers will need me ---and I will be there.  Right now, I need not to feel the hurt and the pain of the present, but to realize that God is there ---He is always there."

April admits, "When I first came to this job, I admired you as my boss. I see how you represent everything I've hoped for, and I've been secretly hoping something would develop. It didn't matter whether you were married. But now I see how wrong that is! And I admire you even more now.  I don't want your little girl Amanda to grow up thinking like I did; and attempting to find love in all the wrong places."

Frank still has a tear in his eye also, "This is so much to take all at once. I am really hurting inside.  But I'm not the only one.  I can sense what you are feeling too, April.  I don't know how much good any of us would be around here today, so if your boss will give you the rest of today off, I'd like to have lunch with you ...and perhaps talk a little more."

Frank sits across the table from April.  The restaurant is not crowded, but Frank doesn't care what others think, at this point he is only asking April, "So, you think I should give up this whole gay lifestyle?"

April tries to be curt with Frank, "I know you may feel it's real difficult, but God forbids that kind of relationship. And just as I am forgiven for the mistakes I've made, that forgiveness is waiting, extending to you also. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

April adds, "I think I know how you feel, Frank.  We are all so fragile, and we try to act confident to hide our real emotions.  I guess I felt so betrayed by a friend I felt so intimate with, that I wanted to be with my boss ...thinking I could cover the betrayal by being with someone honorable; someone I could tell really liked me, not just wanted me."

Franks looks down, then raises tearful eyes to April, "I guess that's what I was doing.  I felt like I wanted someone to desire me ...though I think I'd be better off with someone I never thought I'd desire.  Perhaps it's best I be with someone I feel I like as a person.  And it's time I stop being afraid of being rejected.  I hear what you're saying ...my family sort of said it too, but I wasn't ready to listen to them, and maybe I'd never be. It's time I stop rejecting God's way ...and just trust Him to guide my emotions once I choose His way."

April smiles, "If you are trying to ask if we can be friends ...sure, if you don't feel embarrassed with being with someone who has struggled with her identity."

Frank laughs, "Struggling with an identity ...that's me.  If you don't feel embarrassed being with someone like me, I'd like to be a better friend to you.  If God wants marriage to be what He had designated it to be ...with one man and one woman, in marriage, one time, well, I should give it a chance.  I may be tempted so intensely to do things otherwise, but I want to put God first ...and obey, living according to what He has set up for me. Is it as simple as that?"

April sits silent for a moment, "Slow down ...I know this is a huge step for us both ...and probably, especially you, but let's be friends first, before we start considering other things."

Frank asks, "Weren't you emotionally reaching that point with your boss?  I'd say we are friends, so don't be scared to talk about it.  I'm not suggesting we should jump into it, but what's wrong with talking about it?  When I look at my parent's marriage, I admit there are difficult times. And much I don't understand.  But I do now understand that marriage is not about me, it's about God. God will provide it for me, just as Adam and Eve were provided for. And if it seems that someone more entreating comes along, it doesn't matter.  Just because I've considered myself gay doesn't mean I don't know how good looking you are.  I know you are an attractive girl, and though that usually makes me feel a bit uncomfortable ...with you, I strangely don't feel uncomfortable.  That's probably because I haven't met anyone as nice as you. "

April just sits quietly and considers what Frank is saying.

Frank adds, "Well, with my complex messed up mind, it may not be as simple as that, but I'm willing to try. Do you think we should find a church, or something?  Now, don't get all emotional on me; I'm not talking wedding bells ...I just think that maybe I should learn a bit more about the One who has designed us ...and this other stuff I'm not that familiar with."

I turn over in bed. I should have known ...it was too philosophical, and too quick and easy of a conversion. People don't think things through that readily ...especially when their entire life seems to be wired to other thinking. It's not like a light just goes on. It was just a dream. 

 But was it! How much of it is true? We all have freedom of choice. It's a wonderful thing. But it can be a tempting thing too ...and destructive!

Some people have difficulty with the concept of good and evil. Separating ourselves from God is called sin. We "all" sin, but aligning ourselves with it is not healthy. We need to align ourselves with God. Not doing so, is actually aligning ourselves with deception ...and the one who is against God, the source of opposition being the source of evil and wickedness.

I live in Michigan. The motto is: "If you seek a pleasant peninsula, look about you!" Yes, there is much that is pleasant. But like anywhere, you can seek other things too. And if you don't believe good and evil exist, look about you ...wherever you are! If you could truly see evil for what it is, you would not seek it, you'd be sure to seek Jesus.

I guess everyone has to start somewhere.

Start with Jesus!

Do you believe that good & evil exist?

I guess that everyone has to start somewhere. How can we just live our entire life without questioning why things are going good, or why things aren't? Some things may be considered merely chance happenings, but those who profit by "Gaming Facilities" would have you believe it's not by chance ...that you are actually lucky. Are others just unlucky? There are many things that happen not by chance ...they are deliberate. But we are not really qualified to speak on such events as natural disasters ...the Bible says that it rains on the just and unjust. So what do we say about such things as the Haitian earthquakes, and now I must add, the Japanese earthquakes? We don't need to say much at all ...our response to the Haitian earthquakes, in one of the poorest places on Earth, had a humanitarian relief of equal magnitude to the disaster. Now we have an equal chance to respond to the Japanese crisis. It can all be classified as "good". But we all would also be able to cite things that are not good. Atrocities, that could be considered outright evil, whose magnitude often cannot be measured, also take place. And the worst are deliberate acts. They don't begin at that disastrous level. Sadly, some of them begin with what some feel is good and right, worthy of our attention. There is a quaking spirit that resides in almost every area around us. They begin with small quakes, which build with intensity, until the sentinel event, awaiting unknown aftershocks. We all struggle with things we do ...which we shouldn't do. We either celebrate the joys usually associated with the wrongs, or we don't. If we don't, we either continue to struggle with it, or we experience victory over the struggle. Celebration is good, but in celebrating Him, not in the area which opposes Him. So the question is not really whether good and evil exist. The question is: "How do we respond to it!"